I’ve spent a vast majority of this year in contemplation. Between incredible highs and the rock bottom-iest of lows, I’ve really had to grapple with what it means to be happy from within. After all, we can only control ourselves and our choices – beyond that, we are powerless. So, when everything around us seems to be falling apart, what gives us the inner strength to cope?
During the worst part of my life, I found that pure intentions were what kept me going, even if just barely. When we are faced with tremendous adversity, we lose spirit. Humility is a wonderful thing when you walk beside it, but when it grows so large that it casts a shadow overhead, it is crippling.
When I was at my lowest and loneliest, it was easy to blame myself, to undermine and undervalue my place and purpose in this world. If I had lost the thing that meant most to me, what made me unworthy of it?
I went to war with myself. I didn’t nourish my body, mind or soul – worse than that, I depleted it. I was empty, and it seemed an impossible hole to fill. When looking within was too painful, I looked around. It was at that point that I was flooded by gratitude. And being grateful doesn’t necessarily bring happiness – that is external – but it does bring a deep sense of joy and peace – and that is the umbrella during the storm.
I was stuck for so long in the more, that I forgot just how much – wanting to do more, be more, achieve more, I lost sight of just how much I already had to be thankful for, of how much I had to offer. Maybe I felt empty because of shallow desire. Maybe what I wanted from the world wasn’t as important as what I could do for it.
Now more than ever, in a society that gratifies fame above impact, we must regularly remind ourselves to do more with heart, and less with ego. To lead with the heart is to live your truth, but to lead with ego and pride is to live in the shadow of false expectation.
People have become far too concerned with being impressive. Looking good for others doesn’t make us feel good. Whatever you do, do it to fulfil your soul, no matter who is watching, or clapping, or spitting in your face; it is better to connect on a deeper level with one individual than thousands at the surface. When your intentions are aligned to your purpose, you provide meaningful contribution – not the perception thereof.
This is what I know to my core – a pure heart is the greatest weapon during the wars we are thrown into.
Who are you when no one is watching?
That is who you must face in the mirror.
Don’t disappoint yourself.
– Lessons I am learning
Anastasia Amy 