If I could sum up the mounds of emotional burden that weigh me down constantly, I’d say that the overarching feeling is ‘toska’; a sense of being unfathomably lost in the greater scheme of things. And although I don’t believe a person is ever truly ‘lost’ or can ever truly be ‘found’, I do think that a strong sense of purpose and a strong sense of self is necessary when navigating human emotion.
But what happens when you aren’t actively pursuing your perceived purpose and, therefore, lose your sense of self?
I often contemplate the necessity of my existence. And that’s a dangerous wandering. Do any of us really need to be here? Are we part of a greater plot? Are we tiny intricacies in the details of a larger picture that none of us can comprehend? Part of fate and destiny and timing exactly as it is meant to be – like someone out of ‘Serendipity’. Or are we just happenings, comings and goings of daily life that just are? That aren’t needed. That aren’t essential? And while I’ll never have concrete answers, I think we’re somewhat of a mixture between the two; we aren’t essential, but we can be an essential part of something essential; a thread in a tapestry, a cog in a machine, an act of kindness in a person’s miserable day. I suppose, if we choose to be.
So what is the point? Of being here and then gone? Fleeting. Just fractions in time, trying to discover something as incomprehensible as meaning. This is where we begin to break, as people – when we start questioning more than we see, and do, and live. And in that pensive state, a brokenness attaches itself to us; the human condition. And then, rediscovery of purpose and of self begins to heal us.
So why is it necessary – to swing from childhood dreams and fall into adult depression? These are still thoughts I don’t have answers to – but I do have a few guesses. Maybe we must break to detach from what the world wants us to be, so that we can attach to who we choose to be instead. Maybe we ‘lose’ ourselves to find the most true, broken, vulnerable, patched-up, humanely human version possible. If we choose to be. Maybe we are meant to feel small and insignificant because we are, or because it motivates us not to be. Or maybe we are just here to make the fall a little softer for those like us, buried by the burdens.
To be honest, I’m not really sure what my purpose is. I used to think it was to change the world. But after a few of life’s humblings, I’m happy to just be a good part of someone’s day.
If you aren’t sure of who to be, be a listener. If you aren’t sure of what to be, be a giver. If you aren’t sure of who you are, appreciate who others are. And this will bring you insurmountable joy.
Anastasia Amy 